who AM i?

It's 2:08 A.M. and all I can do is sit here and wonder 2 things.

First one is the obvious..
WHY AM I NOT ASLEEP?

Second...
Who am I and why am I here?

I know I'm Hope Renee' Woolsey.
Single mommy of the best gift ever given to me.
Student.
Daughter.
Best friend.
Sister.
Singer.

But that's all I know.
Most of my friends could tell you more about me,
then i could tell you about me.
Then I start to think about it...
And even beginning to write an about me..
I just sit and stare at the screen for 20 minutes.
Asking myself WHO AM I?

If I don't know, then why should I ever expect anyone else to know me.

Just a crazy 2 am thought.

But then it starts to boil down to this..
Why do I get jealous of people who seem to be leading almost perfect lives?
Why can't I get the life that I want?
But writing all of this down...
I realize..
It's not my time yet.
If and when my "perfect life" comes around...
It'll be time..

I guess what I'm afraid of...
Is passing up that *perfect* time.
Meeting that ONE.

I need to try to stop forcing it.
and JUST let it happen.

But how?
How do you let it happen?

I know it's probably easier said then done...
But does anyone know how?

xx

Bucket List.

see american idiot on broadway

meet green day

sing one song with green day

be front row for one green day show

ride in a hot air balloon

go to ireland, germany, italy, and france

get married

have a punk rock themed wedding

be the best mommy i can be

be the best friend i can be

live on my own

graduate from regency

work at a kick butt salon for a couple of years

own my own salon

style hair for fashion shows, movie sets, and concerts

have my own pet 

own a vw beetle

own a scion xb 2006/2007

drop to at least 30 lbs

tone up

gain upper body strength

questioning.

i'm starting to think it's common to question if what you're doing to study for your career is the right choice.
i've been asking myself that for the past month. it's crazy. i feel like i'm not good enough most days and other days i feel like it's the best choice. i really thought i was alone in this, but today i found out i'm not. the main thing i've learned is to just pray to God about it. He's going to lead me in the right direction. i KNOW it. i just keep the questions in the back of my mind.

in other news, i'm wanting to start a few new projects.

i want to learn how to cook.
i want to learn how to bake.
i want to learn how to crochet.
i THINK i want to try to scrapbook.
(after all, noah's baby book is just a scrapbook, and i haven't even started it... anyone have any tips on how to start it?)

my friend april and i are going to start a support and play group for mommies. how exciting?

i'm finally starting to get a hold of this blogging thing.
i'll start posting pictures as i find things that interest me.

ALSO, just so everyone knows, i'm finally feeling that happy feeling again!

xx
hope.
hope

i'm only human.

it's nuts how far we go to impress someone.

we turn our whole lives around. we do everything we hate but they love.

it's pure amusement for them but for us it's practically killing us. 

it took me a little over 24 hours to really figure out what it was that was dragging me down. and when i finally figured it out, i decided it was time to stop. i can't keep putting myself into a position where all i'm going to get told is that i'm immature, i'm a bad mom and i don't know what i'm doing. 

immature? sometimes. i'm only 22. give me a freaking break. but i'm mature enough to know what i'm doing with my son whether you like it or not. so let it go. every parent does everything differently. 

bad mom? not at all. if i was a bad mom, i would be out running the streets every night. dropping him off at every other sitter. i never go out and do something for myself, because you make me feel like crap for it. or i get a crazy curfew. what's the point of even going out and doing something with the girls if all you're going to do is get mad at me for it? 

don't know what i'm doing? i'm a parent! a single parent! the only help i get is from you. but when i ask you about it, you tear into me for not knowing. or when i do something slightly wrong you scream and yell at me. i understand the fact that you're stressed. i get it. but don't take your anger out on me. 

well, i've been asking God for patience on this, and just showing me how to become more independent. i'm turning it all over to Him. i can't hold onto something that will never happen. i can't please everyone. i only want to please God and Noah. if that's all i ever make happy in my life, then i don't care about anyone else. 

but also on the list of things that i'm letting go of is, my self esteem issues. in my last blog, i semi joked about not being pretty enough to sober guys. if you know me, you know that i really wasn't joking. i constantly feel like i'm ugly or i feel like i'm stupid or something of that nature. i don't talk to people i don't know, because i feel like they're just going to make fun of me behind my back. i've always been like that. for as long as i can remember. well i wasn't like that in eighth grade, but that's because i was in my comfort zone. i had a lot of friends and i didn't care about what people thought about me. but when i moved it only got worse. 

it's funny to listen to people tell me i'm outgoing. i just giggle and ask where they got that idea. they usually say "well when i saw you with so and so all you did is talk" well the reason i did that is because i knew anyone and everyone i was with. and i was very comfortable. but put me in a room full of people that i don't know, and i won't talk. it's crazy. but i'm trying to change that. it's tough but i'm working on it.

i'm at a point in my life where all of my friends are getting married and i'm left behind. i have like three friends that aren't married or that don't have boyfriends, but the rest are all starting their lives with families and husbands. and here i am, single mommy, and i can't get a sober guy to look at me with out laughing. it's sad. i'm always trying to put my self esteem issues behind me, but they creep back when i don't want them to. i can't stand it. 

but what i'm trying to say is, most guys that come into my life have only wanted one thing and i'm not about that. i want a guy with good morals that understands that i'm not about that, and i don't want that in our relationship until we're married. i'm over being used and abused. and i'm ready to find the one guy who can really sweep me off my feet and that wants to be a GREAT father to my son. that's what i want and need in my life. i need stability. i'm looking for Him. and i will now turn my life over to Him. it's all in His hands. <3

xx

hope

the beginning of the end.

I've been in this awful funk lately. I hope it was just the winter that brought it on though.
Today is the first day of spring. So it'll really start being warmer. No more coats, hats or snow boots.
Now it's skirts, dresses, rain boots, and more leggings! Outside time for mommy and bean!
I'm pretty excited about this!

But onto my funk.
I've really been thinking about what I'm doing with my life.
If cosmetology is really for me. I thought it was for so long, but now that I'm getting further into the program, I'm realizing how much people don't let me touch their hair and how if I get a client, they usually never come back. I don't know what I'm doing wrong because all of my friends say it looked good, but I just never see the client again. I wish I could sit down and figure things out. Heck, most of my friends don't let me do their hair, nails, or make up. Am I really that bad?
I have been thinking about other things too.
Like, how I feel like I'm an awful friend because I'm starting to realize people only come to me when they really need me. Or when I want the chance to vent about my life, it always gets turned into everyone else's problems. I can only count a handful of people that I can actually rely on. And sometimes, I'm not even sure if I can rely on anyone when it comes to my life.
Why is it that only the alcoholics and druggies want to date me? Okay not date me, but you know what I mean... It makes me wonder though... Right when I think I'm pretty, I realize I'm only pretty and appealing to those that are messed up daily? I've only had 3 real relationships that were pretty serious, and every other guy that I've met recently has been someone that's known one or all of my exes, and we've all met the same way. So I'm just trying to focus all my thoughts and feelings toward God, and hope that he can lead me the right way this time.
I've really put up a lot of standards for what I want/need in a guy...
~ can't be into drugs & alcohol.
~ has a job
~ loves kids
~ loves his family
~ believes/loves God
~ isn't from VU.
~ noah comes first. understand and accept it.
~ i can't and won't just drop him off at a sitter just for you to get what you want out of me. i'm not easy and i don't work like that.
~ you won't meet noah until i'm sure we have some sort of chance.
~ don't bum everything off of me. i'm not doing everything for you. sorry.
~ if you disrespect me or my son by saying he's lame or having a kid this young is dumb or something like that... seee yah.
~ call me the "c" word once and we are done!
~ you must realize.. just because i'm a single mom i don't put out like that.
~ i will not give up my friends and family for you. forget that!
~ don't lie to me. and we'll be good.
~ don't disrespect my friends. and get along with them. and we will be FANTASTIC. (:

have a happy spring day!
xx
hope.