the beginning of the end.

I've been in this awful funk lately. I hope it was just the winter that brought it on though.
Today is the first day of spring. So it'll really start being warmer. No more coats, hats or snow boots.
Now it's skirts, dresses, rain boots, and more leggings! Outside time for mommy and bean!
I'm pretty excited about this!

But onto my funk.
I've really been thinking about what I'm doing with my life.
If cosmetology is really for me. I thought it was for so long, but now that I'm getting further into the program, I'm realizing how much people don't let me touch their hair and how if I get a client, they usually never come back. I don't know what I'm doing wrong because all of my friends say it looked good, but I just never see the client again. I wish I could sit down and figure things out. Heck, most of my friends don't let me do their hair, nails, or make up. Am I really that bad?
I have been thinking about other things too.
Like, how I feel like I'm an awful friend because I'm starting to realize people only come to me when they really need me. Or when I want the chance to vent about my life, it always gets turned into everyone else's problems. I can only count a handful of people that I can actually rely on. And sometimes, I'm not even sure if I can rely on anyone when it comes to my life.
Why is it that only the alcoholics and druggies want to date me? Okay not date me, but you know what I mean... It makes me wonder though... Right when I think I'm pretty, I realize I'm only pretty and appealing to those that are messed up daily? I've only had 3 real relationships that were pretty serious, and every other guy that I've met recently has been someone that's known one or all of my exes, and we've all met the same way. So I'm just trying to focus all my thoughts and feelings toward God, and hope that he can lead me the right way this time.
I've really put up a lot of standards for what I want/need in a guy...
~ can't be into drugs & alcohol.
~ has a job
~ loves kids
~ loves his family
~ believes/loves God
~ isn't from VU.
~ noah comes first. understand and accept it.
~ i can't and won't just drop him off at a sitter just for you to get what you want out of me. i'm not easy and i don't work like that.
~ you won't meet noah until i'm sure we have some sort of chance.
~ don't bum everything off of me. i'm not doing everything for you. sorry.
~ if you disrespect me or my son by saying he's lame or having a kid this young is dumb or something like that... seee yah.
~ call me the "c" word once and we are done!
~ you must realize.. just because i'm a single mom i don't put out like that.
~ i will not give up my friends and family for you. forget that!
~ don't lie to me. and we'll be good.
~ don't disrespect my friends. and get along with them. and we will be FANTASTIC. (:

have a happy spring day!
xx
hope.