i'm only human.

it's nuts how far we go to impress someone.

we turn our whole lives around. we do everything we hate but they love.

it's pure amusement for them but for us it's practically killing us. 

it took me a little over 24 hours to really figure out what it was that was dragging me down. and when i finally figured it out, i decided it was time to stop. i can't keep putting myself into a position where all i'm going to get told is that i'm immature, i'm a bad mom and i don't know what i'm doing. 

immature? sometimes. i'm only 22. give me a freaking break. but i'm mature enough to know what i'm doing with my son whether you like it or not. so let it go. every parent does everything differently. 

bad mom? not at all. if i was a bad mom, i would be out running the streets every night. dropping him off at every other sitter. i never go out and do something for myself, because you make me feel like crap for it. or i get a crazy curfew. what's the point of even going out and doing something with the girls if all you're going to do is get mad at me for it? 

don't know what i'm doing? i'm a parent! a single parent! the only help i get is from you. but when i ask you about it, you tear into me for not knowing. or when i do something slightly wrong you scream and yell at me. i understand the fact that you're stressed. i get it. but don't take your anger out on me. 

well, i've been asking God for patience on this, and just showing me how to become more independent. i'm turning it all over to Him. i can't hold onto something that will never happen. i can't please everyone. i only want to please God and Noah. if that's all i ever make happy in my life, then i don't care about anyone else. 

but also on the list of things that i'm letting go of is, my self esteem issues. in my last blog, i semi joked about not being pretty enough to sober guys. if you know me, you know that i really wasn't joking. i constantly feel like i'm ugly or i feel like i'm stupid or something of that nature. i don't talk to people i don't know, because i feel like they're just going to make fun of me behind my back. i've always been like that. for as long as i can remember. well i wasn't like that in eighth grade, but that's because i was in my comfort zone. i had a lot of friends and i didn't care about what people thought about me. but when i moved it only got worse. 

it's funny to listen to people tell me i'm outgoing. i just giggle and ask where they got that idea. they usually say "well when i saw you with so and so all you did is talk" well the reason i did that is because i knew anyone and everyone i was with. and i was very comfortable. but put me in a room full of people that i don't know, and i won't talk. it's crazy. but i'm trying to change that. it's tough but i'm working on it.

i'm at a point in my life where all of my friends are getting married and i'm left behind. i have like three friends that aren't married or that don't have boyfriends, but the rest are all starting their lives with families and husbands. and here i am, single mommy, and i can't get a sober guy to look at me with out laughing. it's sad. i'm always trying to put my self esteem issues behind me, but they creep back when i don't want them to. i can't stand it. 

but what i'm trying to say is, most guys that come into my life have only wanted one thing and i'm not about that. i want a guy with good morals that understands that i'm not about that, and i don't want that in our relationship until we're married. i'm over being used and abused. and i'm ready to find the one guy who can really sweep me off my feet and that wants to be a GREAT father to my son. that's what i want and need in my life. i need stability. i'm looking for Him. and i will now turn my life over to Him. it's all in His hands. <3

xx

hope