self esteem.

Let me tell you a tiny story..
about a girl
who has always been over weight.
never been the prettiest one.
is a total dork.
keeps a few friends close.
who has been made fun of and laughed at on a COUNTLESS number of occasions.
she's shy.
she hates that she's over weight.
can't figure out how to fix it.
who feels like she will never find love because she's not pretty enough
or entertaining enough.
guys only want to use her for their pleasure.
and wants to be as pretty as all of her other friends.
..that girl..
well she's me.

i constantly look at all of my friends and wish i could be pretty like them.
i constantly wish i could find love with someone who at least thinks i'm decent to look at.
it's a battle i've fought since i can remember.
day care, baby sitter's kids, elementary, jr high, and even in high school.
i always had someone who made fun of me.
someone who made me realize i was not cute.

it's like.. no matter what.. i can't feel good about myself.
i see videos of myself..
i cringe..
"look at that ugly fat girl who can't do anything...."
"why is she so dumb.."
"she needs to figure out how to be cool.."

then i see pics other people have taken of me...
"ew.. why can't i have a pretty smile"
"ew. look at that ugly smile"

for a few months i felt so cute.
i had lost 2 pant sizes.
i had lost so much weight i was going to start working out
and i was going to get my belly button pierced.
i really felt cute.

no sooner did i think that, and i got pregnant.
i now face what many many women face..
but i feel so alone...
i face the ugliest stretch marks ever.
i see them and i just look at myself and say.. ew. you're disgusting.
no one likes stretch marks like that.

honestly..
i can't even look in a mirror with out gagging half the time.
it's really sad.

i pray about it.
but i don't think i sincerely pray about it.

i just want to look normal.
and i want to be pretty.

most of my friends say
"aw you're so pretty"
but i don't believe them.
because.. i mean..
they're my friends.. they're supposed to say that.
right?!

it's been a never ending battle for as long as i can remember.
i remember all my friends always being so cute..
and then me realizing..
it's not me they want to hang out with
it's so they can feel cute.
and i've always taken that and moved on.
never cared.

in sixth grade..
i was thrown in self esteem classes.
i had NO idea why.
NONE.

but lately.. i feel like i need to do them again.
because this battle has gotten worse..
i put on make up and i feel pretty ..
i look at the rest of me and gag..
i can't figure out how to change it.

sure.. lose weight
that's one step.

the next..
get rid of these ugly stretch marks..
I DON'T AND NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD THAT.

i love my son.
i really do
and i SO don't blame him for my stretch marks.

trust me.

ugh.
idk..
i just want to be pretty..
i want to FEEL pretty
i want to BE WANTED.

idk what to do though.
idk how to change anything.
i just need help.

peace and love.
hope