I don't know about you..

But music is a life changer, mind reader, goal setter, amazing helping device.
Yeah, I ran out of '-ers' to add on to that.
I guess here lately, I've noticed more than usual how much life and moods are a part of how my day goes.

If I'm in my car, I'm pretty much going to listen to the radio or my iPod.
If I'm in my room blogging or something, I'll listen to worship music. It's my own time. My me time.
If I'm with Noah, it'll probably be something like Katy Perry or Mickey Mouse. How random right?
If I'm with my mom, well it's usually some reggaeton, or something like that.
If I'm in a sad mood, it's definitely Evanescence.
If I'm in my own world and ready to drive and listen to an amazing voice, it's absolutely, positively GREEN DAY. but I mean come on.. who didn't see that coming?
If I want to listen to anything that will calm my nerves and make me happy.. that isn't GREEN DAY. it'll be Brand New or Bayside.

I love the power of music.
How it makes your soul feel so free.
It makes you feel at home.
How, it takes you away to another land where you'll start dancing and singing.
You don't care who's watching you.
You don't know what is going on around you.
The world could be ending. But you're listening to your favorite song.
So you tune everything out.

I'll be completely honest here and say.
I never WANTED to like Justin Bieber.
I wanted to dislike him.
But my son liked one of his songs.
At 4 months old, he was watching the video to 'Baby' on tv.
He had a huge smile on his face.
Btw - He's almost 2 and still likes that song.
But, I knew all of the words by that summer, and my best friend was in the car with me.
That song came on, and I turned it up to the highest volume, sat at the longest light in history
And I sang it to her with all the windows rolled down. And by all, I mean, the only two that you could roll  down lol. She just sat there.. and stared at me. I was in the best mood though, because that one song came on, and I got to have fun and sing it as loud as i wanted.

There will be times that I am in a great mood, and all of the sudden I start listening to Evanescence and I get depressed. Which sucks because, I LOVE THEM. Amy Lee's voice takes music to a whole new level.

There will be times that I am so upset before church or something, and the minute we start worship, I am so into it that I don't want it to end.

Music is my key to life.
[besides my boy of course!]
What's yours?

self esteem.

Let me tell you a tiny story..
about a girl
who has always been over weight.
never been the prettiest one.
is a total dork.
keeps a few friends close.
who has been made fun of and laughed at on a COUNTLESS number of occasions.
she's shy.
she hates that she's over weight.
can't figure out how to fix it.
who feels like she will never find love because she's not pretty enough
or entertaining enough.
guys only want to use her for their pleasure.
and wants to be as pretty as all of her other friends.
..that girl..
well she's me.

i constantly look at all of my friends and wish i could be pretty like them.
i constantly wish i could find love with someone who at least thinks i'm decent to look at.
it's a battle i've fought since i can remember.
day care, baby sitter's kids, elementary, jr high, and even in high school.
i always had someone who made fun of me.
someone who made me realize i was not cute.

it's like.. no matter what.. i can't feel good about myself.
i see videos of myself..
i cringe..
"look at that ugly fat girl who can't do anything...."
"why is she so dumb.."
"she needs to figure out how to be cool.."

then i see pics other people have taken of me...
"ew.. why can't i have a pretty smile"
"ew. look at that ugly smile"

for a few months i felt so cute.
i had lost 2 pant sizes.
i had lost so much weight i was going to start working out
and i was going to get my belly button pierced.
i really felt cute.

no sooner did i think that, and i got pregnant.
i now face what many many women face..
but i feel so alone...
i face the ugliest stretch marks ever.
i see them and i just look at myself and say.. ew. you're disgusting.
no one likes stretch marks like that.

honestly..
i can't even look in a mirror with out gagging half the time.
it's really sad.

i pray about it.
but i don't think i sincerely pray about it.

i just want to look normal.
and i want to be pretty.

most of my friends say
"aw you're so pretty"
but i don't believe them.
because.. i mean..
they're my friends.. they're supposed to say that.
right?!

it's been a never ending battle for as long as i can remember.
i remember all my friends always being so cute..
and then me realizing..
it's not me they want to hang out with
it's so they can feel cute.
and i've always taken that and moved on.
never cared.

in sixth grade..
i was thrown in self esteem classes.
i had NO idea why.
NONE.

but lately.. i feel like i need to do them again.
because this battle has gotten worse..
i put on make up and i feel pretty ..
i look at the rest of me and gag..
i can't figure out how to change it.

sure.. lose weight
that's one step.

the next..
get rid of these ugly stretch marks..
I DON'T AND NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD THAT.

i love my son.
i really do
and i SO don't blame him for my stretch marks.

trust me.

ugh.
idk..
i just want to be pretty..
i want to FEEL pretty
i want to BE WANTED.

idk what to do though.
idk how to change anything.
i just need help.

peace and love.
hope

new way to blog

So, yesterday at chuch, my pastor had given us a handout that had questions to ask yourself at the beginning of every day. We're learning how to be **JOYFUL** in our lives, and I definitely want to start to be joyful! So every day, I will note in my phone what I'm feeling like that morning, and every night I will post what I'm feeling. (: [today is different because i didn't think about doing this, this way until just now, so this is what i've been thankful for all day]

here's to DAY ONE!


- What are five things I'm thankful for today?
[one] i'm thankful my son is home from chicago safe and sound
[two] i'm thankful i was given one more day to go on with my life
[three] i'm thankful that ali introduced me to waterline church
[four] i'm thankful that i have great friends like mary, who remind me that no matter what, she'll still love me, and that i'm decent at what i do,even if i get frustrated.
[five] i'm thankful that my mom took this week off so i can make it to school on time!

- What are five of my strengths or positive traits?
[one] i'm very forgiving.
[two] i'm selfless
[three] caring
[four] finally gaining self esteem
[five] helpful

- Who are five people who love me most?
[one] noah
[two] momma
[three] God
[four] grandparents
[five] friends

- What are five things I'm looking forward to in the next seven days?
[one] spending the weekend with noah
[two] serving in splash ministries this sunday
[three] finishing up for the wella trendvision contest
[four] following God
[five] changing my life into following the Joy cycle! (:

xx
hope