self esteem.

Let me tell you a tiny story..
about a girl
who has always been over weight.
never been the prettiest one.
is a total dork.
keeps a few friends close.
who has been made fun of and laughed at on a COUNTLESS number of occasions.
she's shy.
she hates that she's over weight.
can't figure out how to fix it.
who feels like she will never find love because she's not pretty enough
or entertaining enough.
guys only want to use her for their pleasure.
and wants to be as pretty as all of her other friends.
..that girl..
well she's me.

i constantly look at all of my friends and wish i could be pretty like them.
i constantly wish i could find love with someone who at least thinks i'm decent to look at.
it's a battle i've fought since i can remember.
day care, baby sitter's kids, elementary, jr high, and even in high school.
i always had someone who made fun of me.
someone who made me realize i was not cute.

it's like.. no matter what.. i can't feel good about myself.
i see videos of myself..
i cringe..
"look at that ugly fat girl who can't do anything...."
"why is she so dumb.."
"she needs to figure out how to be cool.."

then i see pics other people have taken of me...
"ew.. why can't i have a pretty smile"
"ew. look at that ugly smile"

for a few months i felt so cute.
i had lost 2 pant sizes.
i had lost so much weight i was going to start working out
and i was going to get my belly button pierced.
i really felt cute.

no sooner did i think that, and i got pregnant.
i now face what many many women face..
but i feel so alone...
i face the ugliest stretch marks ever.
i see them and i just look at myself and say.. ew. you're disgusting.
no one likes stretch marks like that.

honestly..
i can't even look in a mirror with out gagging half the time.
it's really sad.

i pray about it.
but i don't think i sincerely pray about it.

i just want to look normal.
and i want to be pretty.

most of my friends say
"aw you're so pretty"
but i don't believe them.
because.. i mean..
they're my friends.. they're supposed to say that.
right?!

it's been a never ending battle for as long as i can remember.
i remember all my friends always being so cute..
and then me realizing..
it's not me they want to hang out with
it's so they can feel cute.
and i've always taken that and moved on.
never cared.

in sixth grade..
i was thrown in self esteem classes.
i had NO idea why.
NONE.

but lately.. i feel like i need to do them again.
because this battle has gotten worse..
i put on make up and i feel pretty ..
i look at the rest of me and gag..
i can't figure out how to change it.

sure.. lose weight
that's one step.

the next..
get rid of these ugly stretch marks..
I DON'T AND NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD THAT.

i love my son.
i really do
and i SO don't blame him for my stretch marks.

trust me.

ugh.
idk..
i just want to be pretty..
i want to FEEL pretty
i want to BE WANTED.

idk what to do though.
idk how to change anything.
i just need help.

peace and love.
hope

days seventeen & eighteen.

i'm posting this one earlier in the day! yay!! 
going to blog again tonight though! 


- what are [five] things you are grateful for?
[one] my son definitely. 
[two] the people i have in my life
[three] God
[four] having a roof over my head
[five] being alive to see another day... even if i possibly have an ear infection! [:


- what are [five] of your strongest strengths or positive traits?
[one] i challenge you to fill these in for me. i hate always talking about myself, so i want YOU to do it instead!
[two]
[three]
[four]
[five]


- who are [five] people that love you most?
[one] God
[two] Noah
[three] Mom
[four] Family
[five] closest friends. 


- what are [five] things you're looking forward to in the next [five] days?
[one] sprinkler park with kadence, bean, and kristin! 
[two] filling out a job application.
[three] gretchy's bday party with brittany!
[four] my beautiful niece's fifth birthday party!
[five] my BFF's baby shower for her amazing son jaxon!!! <3 [: 

day two and three combined (:

sorry, i already failed at this, i was sooo preoccupied with noah bc he didn't go to bed until 230 AM (i know right? crazy!) that i didn't feel like blogging.

- what are five things i'm grateful for today?
[one] not having a client so i could practice on miss kim with haircuts because after the disaster on monday, i didn't want to ever go back to school.
[two] some of the girls i go to school with talking me into picking up another pair of sheers and trying again!
[three] my son being the sweetest most amazing thing in my life. i still believe i'm living a dream.
[four] music. it seriously ties my life together.
[five] God, of course, because he gave me yet another glorious day to be with my son. [:

- what are five of my strongest strengths or positive traits?
[one] i've learned how to block drama out of my life.
[two] looking toward the positive and less on the negative
[three] caring/forgiving
[four] love
[five] faith in Him and other people. [:

- who are five people who love me most?
[one] my son
[two] my mom
[three] God
[four] extended family
[five] my best friends.

- what are five things i'm looking forward to in the next seven days?
[one] weekend with noah
[two] splash ministries on sunday
[three] hopefully working on my music video
[four]  passing a test on saturday
[five] warm weather.

xx-
hope

new way to blog

So, yesterday at chuch, my pastor had given us a handout that had questions to ask yourself at the beginning of every day. We're learning how to be **JOYFUL** in our lives, and I definitely want to start to be joyful! So every day, I will note in my phone what I'm feeling like that morning, and every night I will post what I'm feeling. (: [today is different because i didn't think about doing this, this way until just now, so this is what i've been thankful for all day]

here's to DAY ONE!


- What are five things I'm thankful for today?
[one] i'm thankful my son is home from chicago safe and sound
[two] i'm thankful i was given one more day to go on with my life
[three] i'm thankful that ali introduced me to waterline church
[four] i'm thankful that i have great friends like mary, who remind me that no matter what, she'll still love me, and that i'm decent at what i do,even if i get frustrated.
[five] i'm thankful that my mom took this week off so i can make it to school on time!

- What are five of my strengths or positive traits?
[one] i'm very forgiving.
[two] i'm selfless
[three] caring
[four] finally gaining self esteem
[five] helpful

- Who are five people who love me most?
[one] noah
[two] momma
[three] God
[four] grandparents
[five] friends

- What are five things I'm looking forward to in the next seven days?
[one] spending the weekend with noah
[two] serving in splash ministries this sunday
[three] finishing up for the wella trendvision contest
[four] following God
[five] changing my life into following the Joy cycle! (:

xx
hope

Priorities.

So, you ask me what it takes for us to get back together...
I say, "Well for starters, you need to get sober.."
Your response, "Well, never mind then."
My response, had you not cut me off,
"Well then you never really wanted to be with me in the first place.
I have a child, who needs sobriety. I don't think in order to live
you need to be high or drunk 24/7."

I mean..
That is just my opinion,
but I also believe that if you can't be sober enough to be in a relationship
with me and be sober for my child, then why would we get together.
I just don't understand.

I mean, you live your life.
And I'll live mine,
and that'll be that.

That brings me to my next point...
You hated that I go to church,
because you don't believe,
Well, that is one major difference in us,
and you couldn't even accept that we had a difference.
You would tear me down daily,
You would make fun of me.

So that makes me wonder..
Why should I take you back for how you treated me?!
I THINK NOT.


I just don't understand why it's so hard to be sober and like me?
I'm not that bad of a person.
I'm actually a really sweet person.
I'm definitely going to teach my son how NOT to be.
I mean, he already has someone to show him how NOT to be,
and that's because he's not even there for him.
Disowned him and everything.
How awesome are you?

I believe I can be the *best* mommy AND daddy for Noah.
He doesn't need someone who is going to pretend to like him
or someone who is in and out of his life
or someone who can't be sober
or someone who hates life.
someone who gives up..

He needs someone who is doing something to make their lives better
Someone who is willing to spend all the time in the world with him
Someone who loves him
Someone who would give the world for him!
Someone who will help him practice whatever activity he's in.
Who will sit there with him when he's having trouble with learning anything!

I just want the best for Noah,
and if it means doing it on my own,
then I WILL.

xx